Though no one is reading, I want to get this out of my mind tonight.

*Insert glow ups pictures throughout 2018-2020*

Even if no one can see the glow up, I can feel it in my bone and heart. It is not about what is in the outside, but what is in the inside. Throughout my early degree life, all i felt was excitement. I was excited about the new challenges, the new friends, the new memories and the new ... me? I learned about friendships, a lot. As do betrayal. And no, not others who betrayed me but, i betrayed my friend. I did dirty, and I regret it so much. I used to have a lot of friends. So many group of friends, some may think that it is because of my socialising skill, but to me, I just love knowing people. But what I didnt realise was, I was afraid of friendship too. It is now that I realised that when things are going good, Ill be too afraid if it fucked up, so I fck it up first. Whether I pull myself out from the crowd, or just, fuck it up. 

To whomever I had befriended with before, Im sorry. I really do.  It was me all along, it wasn't you guys. Obviously. And it is not because of my new relationship. It is really just me. Im just a bitch but i didnt realise it until i lost what values to me. And it is now too late to mend the broken ties. 

All the memories we created, thank you for that. I will always try to cherish them with me, even with tears on my cheeks. I wanted to write you guys letters, but I don't think I am capable to throw everything out anyway, because deep inside me I'm just a scared little rat living in a human body. I don't have the guts to say it to you guys' face that it was me all along, it was me who is the bitch. I should have valued our friendship better, but i know it is just too late now. If I ever said i love you to you guys, i really meant it. I did, perhaps still do! It kinda aches me realising that I no longer invited to hang outs because I used to give 1001 excuses when you guys did. So, yes, it was my fault.

I've learned that friends actually matters. Looking through my old pictures just make me realise that i wouldn't be able to go through a lot of pain if not with you guys. Thank you for your time. Thank you for the support all along. Thank you for being there. I really appreciate that, and words can't describe. 

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